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| What is wrong with me? I mean I am a completely jealous person…and I hate this about myself. Plus I am completely insecure…I was supposed to sign up for a color class next Monday and I did, but it was full after I signed up. So hector and del had to sign up for one in Houston. They asked me to switch so I can go to the one in Houston with them and the whole time I was thinking about doing it all I could think of was “Omg they are doing this so I switch out and they can take my place leaving me alone in Houston”…which I know they would never do…weird huh? And then when I was thinking of not switching I was thinking that I hate being left out what if I don’t go and then they have this fabulous time without me and I am left out of a bunch of inside jokes again…I hate that it’s the worst to be the 3rd or 5th wheel. I didn’t go out with them last Saturday and I already feel weird about that. How insecure can you get? I feel like a middle schooler again, man what a loser… | | |
| I don’t feel anything.
I remember when all this started, the very first instant in fact, when my feelings started to diverge from the path they should have taken. Things began to feel less real, every action and emotion seemed to become devoid of any meaning and I quickly lost all will to do anything as everything faded to grey and nothing mattered any longer. It got to its extreme before I really noticed, at first I just imagined I was over dramatic, but then I examined other people I saw that I was like no one at all.
I am either totally happy and hyper, unable to control the mania that sweeps through me to the extent I will do stupid things; if it makes me feel, if only for a little while.
Then there was the other extreme, deep sadness, an all encompassing depression, I can’t see a reason to live and I hate and loathe the world and myself so deeply that it actually hurts my soul to exist. All I want to do when this mood casts over me is to die, I can’t eat or sleep or dim the darkness eating away inside me at all. I hate what I do when I am manic, but the depression is easily the worst. I remember nights of sleeplessness and restless wanderings.
Between the extremes of mania and depression, which my mood shifts between almost constantly on an hourly basis, is the nothingness, the emptiness. I am manic, depressed or empty, on this constant rollercoaster and it is destroying my life.I can’t explain it to you and its all just too hard and I really don’t see the point of anything anymore, it isn't my fault I just don’t.
And damn it, this nonsense just has to stop, I can’t carry on like that I just can’t, and I think maybe my life is a movie or a game maybe, and if I could just get to the end of the movie or game over, then everything will be peaceful and those awful thoughts and that nagging emptiness and the disappointed faces of everyone that pretends to love me will just go away.
...and why would I want to be alive anyway, because really, what’s the point? | | |
| My Mom used to say that if I lied too much my tongue would turn black. My tongue is far from black. My tongue has been black, turned rotten and fallen out of my mouth. I pictured it. People treading on it. I'm incapable of the truth... I'm just a liar. | | |
| so yesterday was my birthday....yay me... I am now (drumroll please) 21 years of age !! YAY for me I can now legally drink. so last night a couple of my friends took me out to drink and got to make fun of my not so good drinking skills...apparently i don't take shots right...I've never been good at downing liquids...I hafta do it kinda slow and that caused much laughter...so after 4 drinks and 5 shots i was a bt tipsy and they decided we had spent enough money so we went home and took some videos...it was fun... a night to remember and luckily i can...I woke up today with not so much as a headache and went to work (booo) I hate work....anwyays,its been a while so i just thought i would update...hahah!
~Alicia | | |
| Do you ever get that feeling where you just want to cry? Just crawl up into a little ball, go in a corner and cry like a baby? You think by crying that it will wash away the pain and hurt? When really, it doesn't. It may seem like it but the pain always seems to come back to you. And it's so overwhelming; you don't even want to cry. You just want to scream or… Even die?
I hate that feeling.
In life, you sometimes feel betrayed, and hatred. Sometimes that one person who is always supposed to be there…isn't. You will lose many people that you care about. But you just have to get over it. However the pain will always be there. But you'll never know what will happen the next day. Because sometimes in life, you'll meet a person, who you can totally be yourself around. He'll make you laugh when all you want to do is cry, and if you do cry - he will wipe all the tears away and tell you everything will be all right. He'll tell you sweet things, and keep you warm when you are cold. He'll make you cry, but he'll think of something so adorable that you have to forgive him. He gives you butterflies just by smiling or laughing. You wake up each and every day, just to see him - and every night you'll wait for his phone call.
Love?
What a complicated feeling. I'll admit it
Sometimes, people lie.
They never mean what they say.
They make you believe one thing, but it totally means something different.
You're so blinded by the butterflies in your stomach, or the way just seeing that one person brings a smile to your face. You're so blinded by the love you feel for them, that you don't know their lying right to your face.
You can't describe what you're feeling, because it's just so complicated, that if you did they wouldn't understand, unless they’re going through the same thing as you.
I hate butterflies, I hate liars. I hate love
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